Potty Mouth

Ben has a problem. A really gross problem.

A couple weeks ago I went upstairs to grab some recipes, leaving Ben and Ethan downstairs in the toy room - or so I thought. I was upstairs for maybe 5 minutes. When I came back downstairs Ethan was sitting at the kitchen table coloring, and Ben was MIA. I kept calling his name, but still no Ben... until I heard the splashing. I raced down the hall to see Ben, with a huge grin on his face, coming out of the bathroom sucking on a toy that was dripping wet. Since he can't reach the sink, I knew there was only one place the waterlogged toy could come from. The toilet. My fears were confirmed when I saw water all over the floor and toilet seat. Ben just giggled. He had discovered the coolest thing ever. I dry heaved a little in my mouth. Fortunately, the water was clear. I think I would have died if the water was anything other than clear.

I took him upstairs, took off his soaking clothes and gave him a bath. As I reached across the counter to grab his towel, he swiped the bar of soap and started sucking on it. That's right, Ben. Wash that mouth out. (Wasn't it Freud that said oral fixations are tied to issues with the mother? What could I have possibly done in Ben's 13 months that could make him drink out of the toilet, suck on soap, eat spiders (live ones), or chew on wood chips? Just thinking about it all makes my stomach churn.)

Since that day, I have often found Ben playing in the toilet - sometimes with a toy, sometimes without. So far luck has been on my side and the water has been clear every time (knock on wood, throw salt over my shoulder, and every other superstitious way to unjinx myself). I'll just keep feeding him yogurt, and hope that Olivia remembers to close the lid and shut the door. But it is only a matter of time when that won't work anymore. Hopefully by then, he won't have a craving for toilet water - and not the good smelling eau de toilet kind.

Fall 2010 (the abridged version)

How is it that two months go by in the blink of an eye? Fall is over, at least by my calendar, and we settle in for the winter. So here is a brief look at our Fall.

Olivia is on a soccer team. She was a little hesitant at first. But by the end of the season she was "The Most Improved Player."

In October, Ben turned 1, he started walking, and he had his first encounter with sugar - lots of sugar. After eating his birthday cupcake, he looked a little glassy-eyed. But even I look that way after a good dessert. It's part of growing up, or in my case, it's part of dealing with the daily stresses of raising 3 kids.

We made our annual pilgrimage, okay it's only a few miles away, to the pumpkin patch. The kids love the jump house more than anything. But the stinky "farm"animals are a close second. I love all the pumpkins; the different shapes, colors and sizes. They remind me of Fall, the changing leaves, cooler weather, and turkey. Fall used to be my favorite season. Lately I have been FALLing out of love with FALL because now Fall reminds me that Winter is coming, and with it, cold and flu season. Yes, I have issues. So, I think Spring will be my new favorite season.

We had a local photographer take family pictures with all the changing leaves. She does beautiful work. I highly recommend her.

We went to Virginia City, a fun little mining town built up on stilts. Grandma and Papa Wiest were here for that, making it a ba-zillion times cooler.

And, I turned 33. But I hear 40 is the new 20 so things can only get better from here, right? I had an amazing birthday. Doug took me to Sacramento for a night of shopping, dinner, and quiet. It was so nice. It almost made me wish birthdays came bi-annually. Wait, let me do the math on that.... Nope. Nevermind. I will just stick with one birthday a year.

Back Seat Driver

Ethan is the worst back seat driver. Every time we get in the car, I get instructions on how to drive and what I need to improve on. Here is a sampling of our recent dialogues...

Ethan: What's that?

Me: What's what?

Ethan: That!

Me: What? (This continued on for another three minutes, by which time I was getting completely annoyed because I knew he had more comments on my driving.)

Ethan: That clicking.

Me: Oh, you mean the turn signal.

Ethan: Yes. Why did you turn it on?

Me: It means that I am going to turn.

Ethan: Why do you need it?

Me: It lets people know that I am turning.

Ethan: How can people know if you are turning? They can't hear the clicking in our car.

Me: When I turn on the signal there is a light that flashes on the outside of the car for other drivers to see.

Ethan: No there is not, Mom. You don't know what you're talking about.

He constantly asks driving questions dealing with the function of the car, directions, and traffic lights - his favorite. He tries to rat me out by telling Dad that I always run red lights. What Ethan doesn't understand is that he is looking at the wrong lights. As we move through the intersection he sees the lights out his window for the oncoming traffic which is red. He does not believe me when I say the red light is for the other cars. He is certain I am running the red light. His incessant comments drive me nuts. Now that Olivia is in Kindergarten I hear a lot of his commentary on driving. Just wait until you are 16, Ethan. Just you wait!

Swagger Wagon

I vowed I would never own a mini-van. My life changed 5 years ago when we bought the Odyssey. I have been converted to the ways of the mini-van. I always laugh when I see the "Swagger Wagon" commercials on TV. Hilarious. So to all you non-believers (I used to be one), this is proof of the awesomeness of mini-vans.

Short Question

Should I? Or shouldn't I?

Hot August Nights

Reno is the home to some great events. There is The Great International Chicken Wing Society Cookoff, Best in the West Rib Cook-Off, Great Reno Balloon Race, Reno Air Races, and Hot August Nights. We try to "support our community" and attend when we can. Really, we hate to pass up the opportunity to have amazing food!

A couple weeks ago Olivia had the opportunity to perform at Hot August Nights with her ballet group. It was a 50's inspired theme. The little girls wore poodle skirts, with pom poms in their high ponytails. The performances spanned 4 nights. The first two nights I navigated the crowds, did her make-up and hair, prepped her costume, corralled the other dancers, and kept Ethan and Ben occupied, by myself. The third and fourth night, Doug was there which made it considerably easier (and more enjoyable). Olivia did so well. She did one dance with her age group, and then she also participated with the older kids in a West Side Story dance. Olivia is a gifted dancer. She dances in Walmart, school, parking lots (much to my chagrin). The rhythm pulses in her veins.

Here are some pictures of Hot August Nights...

Ethan enjoying some of the yummy food. Who doesn't like meat on a stick and chocolate-dipped ice cream?

Olivia is fearless. She loved these bouncy things. She didn't weigh enough to bounce high, so Doug would pull her down and release. She went flying!

Handsome Benjamin. Such a good baby.

Exhausted. Can't wait until next year!

Manners

Whenever I go out with the kids I am a sight to see. I am sure all the people that see me wonder if I have ever heard of birth control, or at least have heard of waiting more than 2 years to have another child. Because Doug travels so much, and because when he is in town he is usually not home until 8:00pm, I do our shopping with all the kids. Let's do the math on that:

3 kids + 5 years old and under = C.I.R.C.U.S

It's official. We are a traveling circus. Ethan frequently has HUGE meltdowns in the store; Olivia always decides that she has to go to the bathroom which is always on the opposite side of the store we happen to be in at the time; and as for Ben, well, as long as he has his binkie or a bottle he is pretty content. But there are times when we are just not meant to go shopping. Case in point....

Several years ago I was shopping at Target in Las Vegas. Ethan was 1 and Olivia was still 2. I was trying to shop for wedding gifts from a wedding registry list. Nightmare! By the time I found the right aisle Ethan was screaming. But I couldn't just give up and come back some other time. That only meant I would be taking a risk that this would happen again. I am no poker player, but I understand my odds with kids. As I stood there looking for some great gift, that was only going to be returned anyways, a man walked up to me and said, "You need to shut him up! I can hear him from across the store." I am not usually the type to engage in arguments. I avoid confrontation. Fight vs. flight? I choose flight. But not that day. I turned around, followed that man, (with one finger pointed, the other hand planted on my hip, and my voice seething) and exclaimed, "Excuse me? If you are so bothered, maybe you should be the one to leave. Last time I checked Target was a family store. Not that you would know anything about children, obviously."

He walked off, and I was left there. I was furious. No, that's not enough. I was livid. I was beyond words. That was the first time I felt like I could have walked up to a stranger and punched him in the face. But who would watch the kids if I was hauled off to jail for assault? And besides, what kind of example would I be to my kids? I was proud Olivia saw me stand up for myself and for my family. She still asks me why that man was so mean. I tell her, "Some people just don't get it."

What has happened to manners? To decency? To kindness? I can be carrying the car seat in one hand (which now weighs over 30 lbs with Ben in it), and dragging my two other kids in the other hand, trying to get a door open and people not only don't open the door for me, but they cut me off so they can get there faster. "Watch out. Here come the crazies. Better get in the store before they cough on me and I catch it." I mean, really? Really? You are really going to cut me off and not even get the door? And it is not just young, oblivious teenagers. It's people my age and older - men AND women.

So please, to the three people that read my blog, get the door for someone today. Be a little more observant and a little less rushed. Sometimes it is the littlest things that can make someone feel noticed, appreciated, validated, alive.

Kindergarten

Monday was Olivia's first day of Kindergarten. She was a little nervous Sunday night. In fact, she fell asleep nuzzled in my arms gently weeping. It is nice to feel like she still needs me for something other than making her food or entering the password so she can play on my phone (although she could probably do all that without me too).

What happened to my baby?

It was Olivia that first taught me how to be a Mom. She taught me about a different kind of love. And she continues to teach me. She is sweet, tender, happy, sassy, full of life, and full of potential. I am so proud of her.

Senior Moments

My parents are amazing. My dad is 80 years old. He runs or works out at the gym on almost a daily basis. He makes super smoothies in his Vitamix, full of vitamins, minerals, and who knows what else. He is the epitome of health. My mom is 79 years old. I believed she was "39 and holding" until I was about 12. She is still so active. She travels to Reno frequently to help me while Doug is travelling. She has come to my rescue during my darkest moments of morning sickness. The kids love her and they wear her out. I hope to be as healthy as my parents are when I am their age. Heck, who am I kidding. I wish I was as healthy as them now.

While waiting for Olivia the other day at ballet I noticed an article posted on the door. It was hilarious. I chuckled to myself, putting my own parents in the elderly woman's shoes. Go granny!

It reminded me of the time that my mom returned ice cream to the store because she was convinced it had gone bad. The polite clerk inspected the ice cream and kindly informed her, "This is Vanilla Bean ice cream. The little black specks are vanilla beans."

Or there was the time my mom purchased Chips A Hoy chocolate chip cookies, and when she opened them there wasn't a chip in sight. Once again, my mom went back to the store (maybe even the same store, years later!), seeking a refund. Again, she got an explanation. It turns out it was a promotion and she won a prize. $500 to be exact. See, someone really does win those prizes on the side of food containers.

My mom's "moments" happen with food. My dad's "moments" happen with gravity. Usually in the form of a fall. He has fallen down stairs, fallen on ice, fallen off stairs.... Every time he bounces back and says he is fine. "Just a few bruises," he says. But that's ok because chicks dig scars.

Despite their senior moments, my parents are vibrant, healthy, resilient people. I have been "born of goodly parents." They have taught me so much - lessons that have come from years of experience. I think because they are older than most parents of people my age, I have a greater well of wisdom to draw from. I hope to draw from the well for many years to come.

A Thousand Words

How do you catch up after nearly three months of no blogging? They say, "A picture is worth a thousand words." I hope that is still the case. Here is a sampling of what has been happening....

Olivia's 5th Birthday

Christensen Family

Incidentally, I think Ben looks a lot like Uncle Dave.

But Doug tells me that's probably because Uncle Dave has a shaved head and blue eyes too. Whatever. They are so related. (By the way, Dave is single, ladies).

Donny

Most 4 year-old girls I know love princesses, Olivia included. She has every doll, every movie, and she is starting quite the dress collection. For a while her favorite was Cinderella. Then it was Aurora. Then Ariel. Then Jasmine. Then Snow White. And now she favors Mulan. I'd like to think it has something to do with the fact that I have been to where Mulan is from. I have seen the Forbidden City where Mulan defeats the Huns. I told Olivia all about it. She thinks it's awesome.

Olivia knows all the words to the princess movies. Our favorite song to sing lately has been "I'll Make A Man Out of You" from Mulan. It is very catchy. (If you didn't know, it is sung by Shang a.k.a Donny Osmond.) For some reason I love Donny's voice. I don't go all gaga for Donny. I have never been to a concert (though I did see him perform with The Mormon Tabernacle Choir, and I did watch his talk show with Marie occasionally). But I have never been a Donny fanatic. I just like his voice. Moving on....

Doug has many opportunities to meet famous people. He did Cindy Crawford's hair in her hotel room (that's a story for a different time). He worked behind stage at the Billboard Music Awards and did the hair of Rihanna, Carmen Electra and Joe Elliot. And we know John Paul DeJoria - the face behind Paul Mitchell and one of the founders. Here we are meeting him when he visited our school....

Because Doug has so many opportunities to mingle with celebrities, it was bound to happen. DOUG MET DONNY! Recently we went to California to a conference for all Paul Mitchell School owners. Paul Mitchell is committed to "Giving Back" - whether that is by being environmentally responsible, aiding local programs, or collaborating with recognized charities (like Children's Miracle Network which Donny and Marie represent). At this owner's conference Donny Osmond performed. Unfortunately, I was watching the kids and did not go. But the kids and I could hear him from our hotel room. It was amazing.

I was so excited that I said to Olivia, "Do you hear that? That is the same guy that sings on Mulan!"

Olivia nearly jumped out of her skin and exclaimed, "Shang!" After a couple moments of thought she questioned, "What is Shang doing in California? And where is Mulan?" Then, still further she asked, "Why would he sing here? How did he even get here? When is he going back? And why didn't he sing our favorite song?"

I couldn't bear to tell her the truth. I think she couldn't conceptualize it anyway. So I played along.

"Mulan is back in China. She had to stay with the Emperor. So Shang came on an airplane just to sing to the owners because they are so nice. He will probably leave right after the performance because Mulan misses him so much, and because China needs him."

"Holy crap! Daddy is so lucky he gets to meet Shang!" she said.

Here is Doug (and Grandma) with Shang...

Funny. I thought Shang would be taller....

Conversation With a Toddler #3

My kids love to play "Slug Bug" when we are driving. Here is an excerpt from a recent game:

Ethan: Slug Bug black.

Me: That's not a Slug Bug.

Ethan: What is it then?

Me: A Mini.

Ethan: A Mini Wheat?

Me: Almost as big. It is a Mini Cooper.

Ethan: A Mini Pooper!?! That is cool. Mini Pooper! Mini Pooper!

(Much laughter erupted from the peanut gallery. Even Ben can appreciate a good poop joke.)

Sacramento

Doug travels a lot. And when I say "a lot" I mean about three weeks out of every month. It hasn't always been that way. But when you're a rockstar, you have to go where the "fans" want you. As an educator for Paul Mitchell Advanced Education he travels across the nation training the instructors at Paul Mitchell cosmetology schools. In the last two months he has been to Houston, St. George, Spokane, Sacramento, Newport Beach, and Costa Mesa. He leaves Monday for New York for 4 days. Then he leaves Saturday for Alabama. He is home for a couple weeks before he goes to North Carolina, Utah, and back to Texas. You get the idea.

Sometimes we get to go with him. He is all for it. His dream is to get a giant RV and just go on the road. "We could be on a reality show. It would be great," he says. "You can home/RV school the kids. They would see America. No mortgage payments. Think of the adventure!" All I can ever muster is, "You've got to be kidding." Even though he thinks it would be the best thing since sliced bread, I am not so convinced. Being away from home for extended periods, in an unfamiliar place, with three kids under 5 is not as fun as it sounds. I have a routine. I like my routine. My routine makes me sane. Without it I would probably be in a corner rocking back and forth, speaking incoherently. So when Doug teaches somewhere close, we go too. We like to go to Sacramento. It is only 2 hours from Reno, and there is plenty to do.

The kids especially like The California State Train Museum, Sacramento Zoo and Fairytale Town. Here are some pictures of our most recent trip:

The trains are massive. It is such an amazing museum. You can even get in a couple of the trains. The best part is upstairs. There are Thomas sets the kids can play with. We usually see the bigs trains in about 20 minutes and then spend an hour playing with the Thomas trains. Whatever works.

The train museum is part of Old Sacramento. So when we finish at the museum we always walk around Old Sacramento. It is a little "town" (about two blocks) built up on platforms. There are shops and restaurants. It is right on the river with old steamboats.

(What is with their poses?)

Sacramento Zoo and Fairytale town are across the street from each other so we do those spots in one day...

We pack as much in as we can. The goal is to make them do this...

Unfortunately, the only time they are like this is in the car. I have been tempted to park somewhere and get some sleep myself. Would that be bad? I can see it now. All four of us, passed out, food all over their faces (who am I kidding, mine too), drool creeping out, when there is a knock on the window. "Everything alright, ma'am?" the officer would say. "Oh, yes. Everything is just great," I would say as I rolled up the window. "Thanks for asking."